Continental Divide: A future history of sorts (1200 Words)
 

It began with a drunken sailor, as world-altering geo-political events so often do.

Long after the fact, when the telling and the retelling had made him out to be a hero rather than an incompetent and oftime delusional sod, Captain James O'Leary, by definition three sheets to the wind, assured the representatives of the Naismith Offshore Drilling and Exploration Company (NODEC) that they had, indeed, arrived at their satellite-designated location. Against their better judgment, they set up their multi-million-dollar remote-controlled, electronic, geo-tech robotics. As it turned out, they were way off course--whether measured in miles, kilometres, longitude, latitude, knots, or even light-years. But serendipity danced capriciously upon their good intentions to plunder, exploit, and thoughtlessly pollute the Atlantic just off Bermuda, and their accidental wrong place turned out to be the complete and utter right place. Ironically, just as fossil fuels were falling into short supply (in reality, this time, rather than as a result of OPEC-colluded spin doctoring) the NODEC company stumbled upon the largest oil field ever discovered. The fact that it lay precisely along the imaginary dotted line between the United States of America and The Dominion of Canada quickly became an issue.

When the war came, what surprised most people was that it wasn't a re-enactment of 1812 (which, for the record, was won by the British despite what propaganda being taught in American public schools at the time), but rather the re-staging of an earlier war as the newly-uber-rich New England states decided to create their own sandbox rather than share with the socially collapsing behemoth known colloquially as "the States".

Who knew that Boston; New York; and Washington, DC alone could harness the seething rage of millions of undereducated, nutritionally-challenged, disenfranchised souls? The self-important, self-appointed commanders changed their appellation from "ganstas" to "troops" and sent them to time-honoured battlefields that ran along the Potomac. Even the enemy showed grudging respect for an impoverished army that brought its own state-of-the-art ordinance. So when ferocious street thug met the "I didn't sign on for this" peacetime-recruited American military, the country formerly known as the United States decided to cut its losses and give New New England (NNE) its independence. Anticipating that the new country would collapse under the weight of everyday administration, the not-very-United States sat back in patient siege, pulling currency and social systems until the new NNE administration found itself on shaky ground indeed.

But if you can't turn to your neighbours in times of desperation who can you turn to? Canada arrived in the nick of time, bearing casseroles and bandages, free health care, livable public housing, and legalized abortion. The bloodless coupe was inexorable in its rolling wave of politeness and political correctness and one at a time, from Maine down to Maryland, the new Provinces of Canada were annexed. Thank you kindly. Je suis Canadienne, eh?

The promise of universal health care, improved public education, and other, neo-communist practices soon had Washington State and Wyoming opting in. They had more in common with British Columbia than Illinois or Florida anyway, and always had. Just as the great sweeping plains that formed the breadbaskets of both nations cared little for the concerns of fishing and forestry, nor whether salt air would damage their aluminum siding. The prairie provinces and the American mid-west briefly considered forming their own nation, featuring Minneapolis as its capital and a wheat-based economy, but a plague of locusts, near-biblical in proportion (not a bio-terrorist weapon—not at all!), caused them the to re-think the wisdom of independence. They signed on the dotted line with pomp, circumstances, and a techno-remix of "They All Call It Canada, But I Call It Home".

The lure of same sex marriage and benefits proved more than Northern California could resist, and soon, the entire continent--with just a hold-out or two--was rechristened The United States and Provinces of North America. Even Quebec stopped threatening to secede and enjoyed the borderless freedom, nearly half its population migrating southwards by the end of the first bad winter. Florida Latinos began to learn French as their second language rather than English. (Mexico was politely but firmly told to clean house before any invitation to join the party would be extended.)

In the end, only The United State of Texas held out, defying an entire continent; open arms met with firearms. Not to mention pig-headed stubbornness in the face of the grammarians who chided that a single state could not be "united". July 1st was officially declared as the date of confederation of the new United States and Provinces of North America (known, of course, as the mighty land of USPNA). Ironically, it was July 1st that a renegade group of scientists dodged death--both "accidental" and outright assassination--to declare fossil fuels dead and that common household waste could be easily turned into a reliable, renewable, non-polluting power source. The rights to manufacture the garbage converter were quickly given to Ford, General Motors, Toyota and the other major car manufacturers so that transition was economically minimized as much as possible.

Texas found it could manufacture garbage just as efficiently and profitably as it used to produce oil. And despite the beer being better in Canada, they held out, remembering the Alamo and clinging to capital punishment like a holy lethal grail.

And so, the United States and Provinces of North America became the new "greatest superpower the world had ever seen". An undiminished number of wars and conflicts around the world demanded aid and peacekeeping. The new USPNA government was strongly Canadian, and they came slowly, claiming issues at home were keeping them busy. "We’ll be right there. We’re just, uh, having new buttons sewn on our uniforms." They sent civilian advisors, not troops; food and medicine, not money and politicians. They taught a man how to fish, and encouraged equality and friendly dialogue, and that the proper marriageable age was 16 (even in Quebec and Utah).

When warmongering terrorists and guerillas realized financial aid free arms wasn’t coming, they felt compelled to clean up their own messes. A wry sense of irony accompanied peace in our time.

But mankind (literally, because women have more sense, by and large), it seems, is rather fond of his "fightin’ and killin’". Most of those violently inclined emigrated to Texas, which developed a fleet of warships and began to expand its empire by seizing sleepy Caribbean islands who really didn’t care much who was in power, and colonizing southward into the never-quite-peaceful South American countries.

The end of USPNA began with the assassination of Prime Minister Trudeau III, her body not even cold when the UPSNA alliance began to fall apart. The Texan Empire bombed Washington and Toronto (mistakenly believing Toronto the capital of Canada).

And so ended the brief period that came closest to world peace in the history of mankind. Men died, women cried, business boomed; the world carried on as it always does.